Below is a reprint of an excerpt from the book Divorce Sucks: What to do when irreconcilable differences, lawyer fees, and your ex's Hollywood wife make you miserable written by Mary Jo Eustace and edited by Joanne Kimes.
Born and raised in Toronto, Mary Jo Eustace, author of Divorce Sucks: What to do when irreconcilable differences, lawyer fees, and your ex's Hollywood wife make you miserable, is an author, actress, singer, chef, and mother to Jack and Lola. Mary Jo was married to Dean McDermott for thirteen years before Dean met Tori Spelling on the set of the Lifetime made-for-TV movie Mind Over Murder. After her highly publicized divorce, Mary Jo returned to her native Canada with her son and newly adopted daughter to film her cooking show, He Said, She Said with Ken and Mary Jo for Canada's W Network. Mary Jo is the author of the bestselling cookbook By My Side. She has also written for the bestselling anthology The Other Woman and has been featured on Entertainment Tonight, Access Hollywood, and The Today Show. For more information please visit maryjoeustace.com
Joanne Kimes, editor of Divorce Sucks: What to do when irreconcilable differences, lawyer fees, and your ex's Hollywood wife make you miserable, is the creator and editor of the bestselling Sucks series. Ms. Kimes has been married for twelve years and only considers divorce during playoff season. She lives in Los Angeles with her husband and her daughter. Find out more about Joanne and the Sucks series at www.sucksandthecity.com
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Dating with Children
by Mary Jo Eustace, edited by Joanne Kimes,
Author of Divorce Sucks: What to do when irreconcilable differences, lawyer fees, and your ex's Hollywood wife make you miserable
Internet dating, hookups, blind dates, and the odd booty call -- how does this cornucopia of dating delights mesh with your role as a mom and caregiver to your kids? It all comes down to this: You can have the time of your life right now. After all, you are a consenting adult and chances are you have been through hell, but your kids don't need to know anything about it.
For some of us, this "throwing our dates in the kids' faces" thing might just be one of our major issues with our exes. Some of them may have taken the relationship equivalent of a packet of Tang, added water, and created an instant family. He might already have a new girlfriend, perhaps who lives with him, and maybe even with kids of her own. Or, worse, your ex may have a live-in who wants to have a New Year's baby and you just happen to notice it's already Memorial Day!
Things can move really quickly when people get out of a relationship. And how can we expect our children to grieve and understand the loss of their own family as they know it if Mommy or Daddy already has a brand-new partner or family in place? The message it sends to them is: "You were a really good family while it lasted but I think I hooked a real winner this time round. And don't worry, it might seem like I just met your new mommy, but we have been together for ages -- just ask your mom! And wait until you meet her kids! I mean, your new brothers and sisters! We're like the best family ever, minus your mom and your own bedrooms, because now you have to share. Anybody want to go to Disneyland?"
Sadly, as so many of us know, that is not even an exaggeration. It happens all the time. Hey, it happened to my family. The new woman was introduced to the kids within a few weeks -- against professional counsel -- and it made things hell. The rule of thumb is to wait a minimum of six months, or even better, a year, to make the introductions. Take care of your first family first! Build up trust and establish the new dynamics of your reconfigured family. Make it about the kids and not about your ego. And when things start to settle and people begin to heal a little, then make the transition slowly and thoughtfully. It's not a fire sale. Not everything is replaceable. You can't swap item A for item B and think that nobody will notice. Your family is your own little piece of this world and at its core reflects who and what you are. Treat it with respect and dignity and give it the time it needs to mend in a real and meaningful way.
Copyright © 2009 Mary Jo Eustace, author of Divorce Sucks: What to do when irreconcilable differences, lawyer fees, and your ex's Hollywood wife make you miserable
(The above excerpt is a digitally scanned reproduction of text from print. Although this excerpt has been proofread, occasional errors may appear due to the scanning process. Please refer to the finished book for accuracy.)
You must also talk about your feelings. If there is something that is bothering you or if you're upset about something, then it needs to be talked about and listened to. Otherwise, you and your mate could have all this pent up anger and aggression and then when that switch is flipped, it is going to be really difficult to recover. All of that anger is going to come out at once and some people have a hard time getting over an explosion like that. It's easy to talk and listen to your parter if you start from the beginning with openness. You will be a lot less hesitant to approach your mate about something that is bothering or upsetting you. Also if you and your mate are open from the get-go, you will not feel attacked or bombarded when he or she does come to you with something important to talk about. Being open doesn't mean you're good at just working things out and talking about your problems verbally, it also means that you talk about everyday happenings, such as work. Your relationship develops further because of these conversations. Openness and routine talking are a very important part of romantic relationships.
