While watching the several hundred commercials on television that try to get me to buy lavish gifts for my family and friends this year, I wonder where the real meaning of the holidays has gone. I get it; the holidays are a time for giving gifts to your loved ones, but a Lexus? A diamond ring? Really? Is all of that necessary?
This inundation of commercialism and materialism got me thinking about a chapter from my book. So, I thought I'd reprint it here. Enjoy.
An Excerpt from Chapter 4 of my book:
In the beginning of our
relationship, Hus (my then boyfriend) bought me a watch. It was a really nice
watch- an expensive watch. But, I was young, and, I didn’t (and still don’t)
care for expensive things, especially expensive jewelry. I’m just a
bargain-hunting, knock-off-wearing, ridiculously-pricey-shit-that-I-could-find-at-Target-despising
kind of girl. I thought Hus knew this. Apparently, he didn’t. As I unwrapped
the box and saw the Seiko label, I
thought to myself, “What the hell is this?” About a second or two later, I had
the box open. And there it was--a bright and shiny, brand new, extravagant
watch. I took off my “Oops I Did It Again” Britney Spears watch (c’mon people,
it was the late 90s, the watch was bright pink, and it played her music as the
alarm) and fastened the white gold, fancy-schmancy watch to my wrist.
Looking down at it, I felt like Hus didn’t
know anything about me. Did he ever listen to anything I said? If he did, it
would have been obvious that I wasn’t one of “those girls.” I showed the watch
to my best friend, and she completely agreed that it was an odd gift… for me at
least. Needless to say, this was one surprise that did not go into my gift hall
of fame and it did not make me feel loved.
Interestingly, Dr. Elizabeth Dunn,
Ph.D., at the University of British Columbia along with her colleagues actually
looked at how gift-giving impacts romantic relationships.* To examine this issue, the
researchers had couples come into a lab and individually rank four gift
certificates based on their own personal preferences. Next, they were asked to
pick the best gift certificate for their partners. The participants were then
individually told that their partners had chosen a gift certificate for them.
Participants were lastly asked to evaluate the perceived similarity they had
with their partners and their relationship’s future potential. A little
confusing?
Let me clarify with an example:
Jack and Jill are dating and they decide to participate in this study. Once
they arrive at the lab, Jack and Jill each rank four gift certificates based on
their own preferences. Jill then picks the best one for Jack and Jack picks the
best one for Jill. Jack is shown the gift certificate that Jill chose for him,
and vice versa. Finally, Jack and Jill take a survey evaluating their relationship.
Simple, right? Well, what made the study interesting was that the researchers
actually chose the gift certificates for each participant based on the initial
responses they each provided about their own preferences. The researchers
manipulated the study so that participants were told that their partners either
chose their most favorite gift certificate (which would be considered a “good”
gift) or their least favorite gift certificate (which would be considered a
“bad” gift).
Like many things, men and women responded
very differently to this task. Men who thought they had received a “bad gift”
from their partner reported less similarity with them and also stated that they
thought their relationships would be shorter than men who received “good gifts”
from their partners. Give a man a bad gift and it may negatively affect your
relationship. Women, on the other hand, actually reported more
similarity and longer projected relationship lengths when they received
a “bad gift” than women who received a “good gift”. I know what you’re
thinking. No, this does not mean that women like bad gifts. Instead, the
researchers believed that women might have felt forced to think about all of
the positive aspects of their relationships and their partners because the “bad
gift” caused them to worry about the status of their relationships. “Are we not
close enough?” While men likely felt hurt by the fact that their partners did
not know them well enough to choose the gift certificate that they would have
been most excited about, women probably made excuses for their partners’
choices to help “save their relationship” that was so obviously failing.
Clearly, the responses by both men and women are not healthy for your
relationship. The take-home message: spend time getting to know your partner so
that you can easily think of thoughtful gifts that he or she will absolutely
love.
Okay, back to my story. Looking
back, I think I did make some excuses for Hus when he gave me that
watch. “He’s never given me a bad gift before. He had good intentions. He’ll do
better next time.” Don’t worry, Hus fully redeemed himself a few gifts later.
He made me a wooden trunk with our names burned into the front and notches on
the back for every year we had been together. He has since added a new notch
each subsequent year (there are currently eleven notches adorning the back of
this treasure). Over the years, I have slowly filled this trunk with hundreds
of keepsakes related to our relationship. I love that I can open it anytime,
take a few things out, and reminisce about each memory inside. I adored this
trunk when he gave it to me, and I love it everyday when I look at it in my
office. It’s one of my favorite gifts of all time. And, it’s probably one of
the least expensive gifts he’s ever given me.
While most homemade gifts don’t cost a lot of money, they can become
more valuable to your partner than any Xbox, iPod, or a pair of expensive
earrings.
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